Why Stay?

     Recently we moved into a new home.  It is 135 years old and, while we have lots of living space inside our home, our dogs have a relatively small space in the backyard.  We do not  let them into the house because of allergens, and we don't yet have a fence.  We keep them on tie-outs until our fence can be built next month.  Yesterday one of the tie-outs broke, but our dog, Molly, stayed in the yard and only went as far as the unbroken tie-out let her.  It was as if she didn't realize she was free.  Although this was fortunate for us because she didn't run away, I wondered why she didn't.  She was free to roam the neighborhood and cause chaos but she stayed.
      So many people who don't truly understand the nature of cults or spiritual abuse ask why don't the abused just leave.  If only it were that simple.  Like victims of domestic violence, we stay because we're afraid.  We stay because we're told that to leave would be a blasphemy to God and all that we believe in.  It would be turning our back on the true religion and the only path to salvation.  We stay because we've been told we will encounter misfortunes financially and physically.  We stay because we are told we are going to die if we leave. 
      And we stay because we are afraid of what's out there.  I didn't grow up in a cult, but I was in my relationship long enough to fear any other way of life.  I had the hardest time making decisions when I left because I could not ask my leader what to do, what to wear, what to say, where to go, what to think...it was just me.  I was so not used to being reliant on myself that I questioned everything I did.  Then I thought it really didn't matter what I did because I'm sure it was wrong, and I was going to hell anyway for my "betrayal".  We stay because we know no other way and the alternate ways presented to us seem wrong or evil or too difficult.  But we're not weak.  Take everything you believe in right now and turn it upside down.  Change your entire thought process and do it with very little support from people who have may have never experienced what you are going through.  Wipe the slate completely clean and start over.  Daunting, isn't it?
       Daunting but not impossible as evidenced by the fact that there are survivors.  It's a fact that many of us will suffer post-traumatic stress for years and maybe will never feel completely comfortable in a church or even in our own skin....but at least we're free.  Remind us of that because it is easy to slip back into thinking that we've done something wrong by leaving. 
      It's easy to stay where you are like Molly.  In the backyard she has food and water and a nice bed and people who love her and take her for walks.  She doesn't want to leave because she knows no other way.  Fortunately, our love for Molly is real.  But it's just as easy to feel false love and belonging in a group or relationship and feel unable to get out.  But you can.  You can run from the backyard and create all sorts of chaos in the neighborhood and I hope you do.

Cults and Bananas

I recently had a friend ask me why I remained in a church after I was abused by an Episcopalian priest.  It's true that I never left the church and always considered myself to be Episcopalian even though I don't attend church regularly and am not active in any church activities.  In fact, I haven't been to an Episcopal church since 2011.  I have been to a Catholic church twice this year.  So...no, I'm not the dedicated parishioner I once was.  I can't be.  Being in a church and seeing the priest evokes many bad memories that I wish I didn't have to deal with.  But I want to be there.  I really do want to be a faithful servant.  It may seem crazy to some to go right back to the church that abused me.  Am I setting myself up for failure?  What's the draw?  Why is it so important?
      I answered my friend's question in this way.  I chose to stay in the church because it was not the church at large who abused me.  In fact, they swiftly dealt with my abuser and booted him out after taking his collar so quickly that it would make your head spin.  They did the right thing and I am grateful for that.  I also chose to stay in the church because it's not God's fault that this happened.  It took me a long time to come to this conclusion and, to be honest, I've only reached it very recently.  God doesn't create us so that bad things can happen to us and he can laugh at our misery.  Much like we hurt for our own children, so does God.  Yes, bad things happen.  They always will, but it's not God's fault that I came into contact with a sociopath.  I also cognitively know that not every priest is bad.  Priests in general, especially ones that wear collars, freak me out.  I immediately look at them and think that they are sizing me up and seeing how they can use me for thier own gain.  It's a trigger and an automatic emotional response.  But in my head, I know I'm wrong.  To say that every priest is bad simply because I had a bad experience with one would be like throwing out the whole bunch of bananas when only one is going bad.  You'd miss out on a lot of good bananas if you did that.
     I'm lucky that my mother instilled such a deep faith in me.  At least I feel lucky.  To some faith isn't that important or even necessary.  Some cult or abuse survivors never go back to any church and that's okay.  They take thier bad experience with religion and transform it into something new whether it is thier own form of spirituality or just by being a good person.  The survivors of cults and spiritual abuse that I know are some of the kindest and compassionate people I have ever known.  They've been through some stuff and want to help others.  And some do that differently than I do.  They take that bad banana and buy two more and make banana bread.  They experiment with the recipe until they find what taste and texture they like best.  And they survive.
     Isn't that what it's all about?  Survival?  Whether you choose an organized religion or not or shy away from priests or embrace them or have meaningful talks with God or find some other avenue for peace within or eat bananas straight from the peel or bake them into banana bread or mash them into pudding, isn't about finding what is right for you in order to ensure your survival?  Because after the physical and sexual and emotional and spiritual abuse doled out daily, hourly by our former leaders, it is an accomplishment to even live through the day sometimes. 
     But it gets better.  Time doesn't heal every wound, but it does give us an opportunity to learn how to deal with issues and triggers that come our way.  I remind myself that I am lucky.  I got away.  He cannot hurt me anymore....he is powerless.